55 Days

This is the second time I've been 55 days sober in 2019.  Historically, aside from one long stretch years ago, I haven't abstained from a drink much longer than 30 days.  I have, however, remained sober for 30 days often enough to know that after the first month, I physically and mentally start to feel pretty fresh.  I had felt this same sort of "wellness" earlier in the year after achieving a similar number of days.  It lasted for a while longer, until I had the thought, "I've been feeling so nice, I'm all better now."  That crushing depression and paranoia that's left over from the drinking vanishes after a month or so, and I start to feel almost normal.  That's a trap.  Normal people can drink without exorbitant consequences.  I am not one of those people.

I'm not itching for a drink.  I haven't really thought much about it recently.  I hadn't thought about it much before my relapse last spring, either.  Sometimes a relapse starts a month before it happens.  Typically it goes something like this:  I make it through some awful social event where everyone is drinking.  I feel good about being an adult and getting through it sober, which is more that anyone else at the event can claim.  I think about how pathetic everyone seems drunk, and I wonder why I never saw myself that way.  Then I think about it a little more throughout the week.  I start to think about what I miss.  I see a craft brew I've never tried in the grocery store or the gas station, because Michigan sells alcohol EVERYWHERE.  It's inescapable.  I think that I'd have been fine if I had just stuck to drinking beer, back in the day.  A few weeks after the event I know exactly which beer I'm going to relapse on.  It's only when, that I don't know.  Then an opportunity presents itself; I will be alone with no one to catch me.  I buy the beer, blocking out all of the thoughts in my head that are warning me against it.  I won't let my mind rest on anything but that drink.  I drink it.  It doesn't really taste that good.  I don't feel very well.  I chug it because I can't stand the taste, it's not as glorious as I remember.  I feel buzzed, but slow and tired.  Then one of two things happen.  Either, I stop there, and wait another few days to fully relapse, or I go right back to the store for something stronger, because this slight buzzed feeling is a downer, and I want to be DRUNK.  Then it's liquor, faster than I can even process it.  I feel awake, I want to do things, everything is so fun!  The problem is, I have no tolerance to speak of, so before I get to enjoy that happy phase, I can't walk straight, I'm falling down, someone I've text or in my home has figured out that I'm trashed...  I don't remember the rest, I just wake up feeling sick, I throw up for 2-3 days, then I'm suicidal for a couple of weeks until I've been sober for 30 + days and I go to another event and don't drink... until I do.

I'm not concerned about any of this today.  I feel solid in my sobriety TODAY, while being aware that I can't be too confident.  I hate cliché AA phrases, although the old timers seem convinced that I will like them someday .  One that I find true, although still trite, is that "if nothing changes, nothing changes."  I've always tried to avoid being a "dry drunk."  I quit smoking cigarettes 5 years ago, the first time I stumbled through consecutive months of sobriety.  I always try to add something, whether it is dietary changes, exercise, or mindfulness.  The problem is that I lose momentum and slowly stop doing all of the things that are supposed to help with the personality change.  For example, starting yoga and only making it to three classes, which I did this past summer.  I can't just think of changes to make, I have to actually make them.  This is where I'm falling short right now.  I have too many things that I want to work on, and I'm not carrying through on any of them.  One of those things is writing.  I hadn't intended to blog, but I'm not writing in my notebooks currently, and I need some accountability.  I'm going to start with this, and follow with the rest SLOWLY.  My diet has always been pretty healthy, but I can still cut things out like cheese and added sugar.  I've been consistently walking my dogs and getting outside, but I need to add some strength training and flexibility (I should have kept going to yoga).  I read every day (almost a book per day) for over 40 days, and this week I've read only a few chapters.  That needs correcting before a good habit is lost.  I have more goals, but I'll start with those ones.